Mental health

Dissonance

Drownin’ in holy water

I know

If I stop moving

I’ll float

If I think

I’ll sink

And if you blink

You’ll miss it

Tried to type out my problems

Undo, edit and fix it

And I know you can tell when I mix it

Cross-faded

Too jaded

But still obligated

To resolve the dissonance

MitchMaxington

It is hard to be without the ones you love 

Even if it’s for the better. 

Better late than never. 

But better never, if ever 

If it means we aren’t together. 

Where are you now ?

Everywhere ?

Nowhere ?

If I scream Marco, will a Polo appear ?

I miss you always then I miss you more 

I know that you’re gone

I just can’t be sure

I still text you. I snap you. I knock on your door.

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. 

Now revealing God and guest staring Max

I’m unaware it’s a dream and I cannot relax

But is it ? Where are you ?

Are you everywhere or nowhere ?

Is God even real ?

Do you just see it on my face or can you feel what I feel ?

Can you heal what I feel ?

My thoughts reveal a shield behind the steering wheel.

I just wanna see you one more time. 

I thought we had more time. 

Where are you ?

I don’t know. So I drive. 

I drive and I hope I crash and I hope I see you when I die. 

But your thoughts are a shield too so I don’t even try.

I just wish you were here. Where are you ???

Can you see me crying ?

Can you see me tryna grieve your dying ?

I don’t know how. 

I thought I did bc I’ve seen death before 

I’ve kissed death before but I’m not sure now 

It’s been a while 

Why does it still hurt like yesterday ? 

Why do I see flashes of your bloody boot on replay ?

Please God PLEASE just show me the way 

I want to be okay 

I mean I’m mostly okay 

And then I get alone 

And it’s hard and I start thinking and I stop blinking 

And I’m not sure if I should be on my own. 

Where are you ? Can you read this ?

Can you show me a sign on how to defeat this ?

On how I can at least tweak 

And not into life, speak it. 

Who can I blame ? 

I’m angry. At who ? 

I don’t know. At me and at you.  

Where are you ?

NaNoWriMo Day 4

I see Dusty most when we’re at work. I work there full time and he just picks up shifts here and there as needed on weekends. It’s a customer service call center called Schwifty’s. Our main client right now is a company that provides all of the uniforms for the Air Force base in our region and a few close by.

I started working here during my senior year of high school. I thought it was going to just be a thing that I do while I support myself through college. I was just working part time then. I didn’t plan to retire here or anything crazy but I knew I’d want to eat more than just noodles. I wasn’t sure if that was a myth about college but I wasn’t willing to find out the hard way. So I did stay here all throughout college. I picked up extra hours during winter, spring and summer breaks from school. I worked holidays, opened, closed, weekends and even on my birthday. Because of this, after I got my degree they decided to offer me a full time position. And much to my surprise, I accepted. So I’m still here.

Dusty just started working here last year. We had a few people walk out at once and I asked if my friend could maybe just fill in. Apparently, that’s illegal. But they did put him through the hiring process and pretty much told him that they’ll accept him working whenever he has time until they figure something else out. They never figured out anything else and he just picks up shifts when he has a thing he wants to buy.

Today is one of the days that we get to work together. He’s already there when I walk in. I greet him with a shy smile, per usual. I hate drawing attention to myself even though everyone already knows that we’re best friends and that I’m the one that got him here. I already know it doesn’t make much sense but I just can’t help it. I’m grateful that he doesn’t mind.

We don’t have assigned seats. There are endless rows and columns of cubicles. Each with one desk, one chair, one phone, one computer and one box of tissues. I choose the seat across from his, sitting where we’re able to face each other, in case I feel like talking. I never feel like talking while at work. But I know he’ll want to talk to me and I enjoy making him feel valued, I suppose.

“You look like shit,” he so lovingly points out.

“Gee, thanks. What would I do without you ?”

“You’d be a lot more lame. I can guarantee that.”

Right as I was about to reply, he got a call. Perfect. I actually didn’t know what to say. I really would be a lot more lame without him. I’m okay with the fact that I’m still lame with him too. I’ve always been pretty lame and he’s always been pretty cool. Sometimes that just tricks people into thinking I must be cool too. In a way that’s a secret. A way that they could never discern themselves. So they just trust the proximity of our friendship.

I start settling into my temporary office suite for the day and let my mind wander. I use the term “let” very loosely here. I start wondering if my dad ever worked at a call center. I wonder if he ever had a job at all. Maybe my mom met him at work and they were a normal teenage couple at first and then things just got out of hand. Who knows. Besides them. And maybe my grandma. My grandma. I miss her so much. The dreams I have about her always feel so real. Death is a crazy experience. To witness it in someone else. Maybe there’s a better way to word that. I just can’t get my thoughts completely straight when I start to get anxious. I’m anxious a lot. My words are never right.

Before I know it, Dusty is asking me if I want a ride home. What fucking time is it ? I look at the clock and it’s 5:03 pm. Wow. How does this always happen ?

NaNoWriMo Days 1 and 2

I open my eyes and look at the clock again. Well, not a clock. What is this, 1980 ? I picked my phone up from underneath my pillow and unlocked the screen. 3:33am. Wow. It’s been an entire 12 minutes since I checked my phone last. I guess it’s just wishful thinking to hope that blink was really a good night’s sleep. I try to count my blessings on nights like this though. At least I was in my favorite pajamas. My birthday suit. Yes, I am naked. Bliss. I have my rose gold satin sheets on the bed and the fluffiest chocolate colored blanket you’ve ever seen in your life.

I’ve had this habit – I guess we can call it a habit – since I was a kid. The habit of not falling asleep at a decent time. What is considered a time decent or indecent anyway ? If I did happen to fall asleep, my chances of staying asleep were wildly low. The doctors call it insomnia. I’ve been eating an apple a day since I was 4 years old and for what ? I basically live at Good Samaritan Medical Center. Not like that’s the only lie I live.

So this is when I decide whether or not I will continue to struggle with my sleep or wake up fully and start my day. Or the secret and not so sexy third option – scroll social media. Some people call it doom scrolling or panic scrolling. However, feeling terrible and feeling panic or doom aren’t the same to me. So maybe it’s okay. But what do I know ?

Social media it is ! That’s the conclusion I came to after about 13 milliseconds. When it comes to social media I use it the same way I live my life, in the background. I don’t post much and I don’t have a ton of friends or followers. I prefer to get on and observe. And if we’re being honest… to judge. I like to judge people. Maybe we can talk more about that later. There isn’t much else to do with my mind and it’s a fairly harmless distraction from my real issues.

I open Twitter first. This is my favorite late-night platform. During normal people hours, I prefer Facebook. Tiktok I save for long commutes. Everything else is shit. When I click the app, the first thing I see is a tweet from Dusty, my sort of best friend.

If you ask him, he’d say we are definitely best friends. We’ve known each other since we were maybe 3 years old. His family lived next door to my grandma’s house in Shreveport. I’ve always been shy so I didn’t have much to say seeing him playing in the yard or the greenspace with the other kids. Until one day he just ran over and pushed me down. Flat on my face. And that somehow made us friends. We’ve been inseparable. Well, slightly separable. He, like other normal people, likes to go out and do things. I prefer to stay at home, in the background.

Fortunately for me, that was the only time he ever assaulted me and he’s been a sweetheart ever since. Still at this ripe age of 26, he’s very much a sweetheart. This tweet of his was 9 hours ago, “I can’t wait to have a woman to buy flowers for every day. Buying them for myself isn’t as exciting.” If you didn’t know him personally and weren’t attracted him, you’d probably think he was pandering. But that’s just really how he is. Very much a Pisces. Anyway, I keep scrolling:

“So imma be honest idek how y’all face an entire J by yourself…” says @asiagraye

“nonblack people are so disgusting in this way lol” says @gbennylola

“11-1 11 everything changed” says @Wale

Alright, enough of this. That’s the thing about being restless. Nothing sounds like a good idea necessarily but everything feels like it has potential to be a good idea possibly. If I don’t scroll though, what else can I fill my time with ? I decide to text Dusty, “you awake ?” I wait for 3 minutes before deciding to just turn my phone back off and slide it under my pillow. I get as comfortable as I can. I’m laying on my stomach with my arms folded under my cheek, beneath my other pillow.

I find myself thinking about how my grandma always told me not to sleep with my phone. Also not to place my phone in my bra. Also not to use microwaves or the wifi at restaurants. She said that all of these things would give me cancer. “Are you listening to me Katara ? Goddammit, you kids and these new fangled machines I can’t even get your attention anymore.”

I feel a hint of confusion but also gratitude. My grandma is beautiful. She’s always been beautiful. She even won Miss America in 1962 and 1967. She could have been a super model if she wanted to. She just never wanted to. I noticed I’m still looking down on my phone as I’m thinking this. I feel the sun beating down on my forehead and I’m so thirsty. Grandma hands me a water.